Hi, my name is Bruce, and I'm a footbagaholic.
You (in unison):"Hi, Bruce!"
Hi. So I'm here because I recognize I have a problem, and the problem is that I can't stop freestyling. I starting off, you know, kicking the bag around, socially. I mean you're hanging out with some friends after school, and you just need to relax, and somebody's got a bag, and you're like, why not?
Well, that's how it starts. Kicking. Huh. It seems so innocent, looking back on it. Then you see someone stall the bag, and you're like "wow! It's like kicking, but different! I could do that, and I'd still be, you know...normal...right?" Then YOU start stalling, and before you know it, you're buying "lavers", and the first thing you do is cut them up...I mean, in retrospect, that should have been a sign that you're not in frickin' Kansas any more, you know? Now you've got the shoes, you're spending $20-$30 on bags. I mean, I made a bag out of a sock and some corn kernels once. Now I'm spending money to get one?
Now you're learning tricks, and the NAMES of all the tricks, and it's like a foreign language. You tell your dad you hit flipside atom-smasher for the first time, and he pauses and says "stay off the crack, son".
And before you know it, you're hooked. Thoroughly and utterly addicted. Your legs twitch when you're trying to fall asleep...later, you wake up in the middle of night, screaming "was it CLEAN?!!!" You start considering making a footbag video game..you get muscles in places where muscles SHOULDN'T BE. I mean what the hell are THESE?
(drops drawers)
You (in unison): *Gasp!*
....so...anybody want to play?
(crickets chirp)
(pulls pants up)